My experience sharing an apartment with five roommates during my first two years in college taught me a lesson. Never again! It was fun for the first six months. After that it was the pits. I lost track of the number of roommates that moved in or out during that period. It was more like living in a zoo. No, I take that back. Animals are much cleaner. My first roommate barely spoke conversational English, which was a blessing in disguise. He also had some very strange dietary habits; yet, his breath did help to keep the flies away.
For the sake of those readers with weak stomachs, I will not begin to describe the filthy bathrooms, or the kitchen. I always carried a spray bottle of bleach solution whenever I used those rooms. I never, but never, used the kitchen utensils, or the dishes. I resorted to paper plates and used my own stainless flatware, which I kept under lock and key. My folks took pity on me and gave me a microwave oven, which I also kept under lock and key in my bedroom closet. Fortunately for us, the landlord made a quarterly inspection of the apartment which helped. At least the apartment was cleaned and stayed that way for at least two weeks. Living in a clean apartment was grand, even if was for only eight weeks out of the year.
After our lease was up, I do recall the landlord turning all shades of red when he pulled a surprise inspection the month earlier than usual. By that time the guy's didn't care how the place looked since everyone decided to move anyway. The landlord went ballistic. He threatened to take us to court unless we coughed up a thousand bucks to put the place into shape. I still believe we could have done the work ourselves, for four hundred bucks. Oh well, never mind.
My roommates had nick-named me 'Mister Clean', mainly because I washed my sheets and laundry every week. Their humor at my expense, didn't bother me at all. As it turned out, I had the last laugh in the end. I was the only one that held the perfect record for not having lice, crabs, athlete's foot, or dysentery in the two years we had the apartment. It was certainly a learning experience and an adventure I vowed never to repeat.
Scott was pouring over yet another textbook when he was interrupted by the ring of the telephone. "Hi, Jarv, how're they hangin' today, little brother?"
"The same, and how is my big brother, the doctor?"
"I've got some good news. Margot and I have announced our engagement and are planning to marry next September."
"Congratulations, I wish you the best of luck."
"Will you be my best man, Jarv?"
"Sure, I wouldn't miss that for the world, thanks for asking."
"I take it you still feel the same way about Margot?" he asked.
"You've got that right; then again, I don't have to live with her."
"Maybe you'll change your mind once you get to know her."
"I plan to avoid her as much as possible." I said.
"I'm sorry you feel that way. How about getting together next weekend? You're long over due for a visit."
"Next weekend is out, I'm moving into my new apartment. How about the following week?"
"You're on, I'll put my request in for the time off," Scott said.
What I didn't tell Scott was that I was moving in with Justin Baker, my new boyfriend. I knew the time had come to tell Scott the truth about me, but I hadn't planned on doing that until our Thanksgiving break. I'd avoided telling Scott for many reasons, but my sense of guilt was taking its toll. I guess I didn't want to lose his respect once he learned I was gay. I had come out to a couple of my so-called close friends last year, and never heard from them again. That really hurt. After that, I decided to keep my sexual orientation private. I would be devastated if Scott reacted in a negative way. I'd never discussed the gay scene with him, although, Scott was a staunch supporter of liberal and gay rights. He was definitely not homophobic, yet, it's quite another story when it's your own brother that is gay.
I met Scott at his apartment on East 54th as planned. The apartment was the ideal location for Scott since it was only a short bus ride to his job at Bellevue Hospital. Scott had found a nice little Italian restaurant that he wanted me to try, instead of his home cooking. It was a great restaurant and we stuffed ourselves. It was such a beautiful evening that we enjoyed our walk home after dinner.
Back at the apartment, Scott pored us each a snifter of brandy. He turned the radio to his favorite classic station and sat in the chair opposite me.
"Okay, Jarv, out with it, what's on your mind? Are you going to tell me, or am I going to have to drag it out of you?"
I smiled, "I've been dreading this moment for more than three years now. Scott, I'm gay, that's the secret I've been keeping from you."
"I don't believe you," Scott said. "Are you absolutely sure about this?"
My eyes began to tear, "Of course I'm sure. Do you think I'd joke about something this serious? I've known since high school. At first, I though it was a stage I was going through, but I finally realized I was gay."
"You know it's kind of funny, in a way. When we were teenagers, I hated you for forcing me to play football. It wasn't until much later that I began to enjoy all that physical contact with those sexy teammates of mine. It turned me on big time. I guess I have you to thank for that. You know, I really tried to have sex with several girl friends, but it always turned out to be a disaster. The only way I could get an erection at all was to conjure up a picture of me having sex with one of my teammates."
"Don't you think I didn't try hard to fight these gay tendencies? I even took the priest's advice and became celibate for more than two years, no sex at all. But, it didn't work. My desire for sex became much stronger when I started attending Princeton. Living with five young studs walking around naked didn't make life any easier. My sexual desires became overpowering. I became aroused whenever I saw a really attractive guy. It was beginning to affect my studies and my grades began to slide. That is when I decided to seek professional help. My first step was to contact the University Gay & Lesbian support group on campus, who recommended a psychologist."
"It took a while, but I was able to accept my orientation and began the long journey to my life as a gay man. After countless group sessions, along with my private sessions with my psychologist, I felt comfortable in dating other gay men. I was fortunate to meet Justin Baker, a super guy, whom I moved in with last week."
"Jesus, Jarv, why the hell didn't you come and talk to me three years ago, I thought we were close?"
"I'm sorry, Scott, I just couldn't. I wasn't ready."
I pulled out a snapshot of Justin and handed it to Scott. "That's Justin. This picture does not do him justice; he's much better looking in person."
"God, he looks a little like me." Scott said.
"That's why I was attracted to him in the first place," Jarv said.
Scott stared at me for a long time before speaking. "Jarv, am I way off base in thinking that what you feel for me is more that brotherly love? Is that the reason you've been avoiding me since you started at Princeton?"
"YES!" I admitted, "I've been in love with you for a long time I guess. That was the second reason I went into therapy. Justin knows how I feel about you, yet he is still willing to accept me on those terms. He's in love with me. Crazy isn't it?
"I don't know what to say, Jarv. This comes as quite a shock. It's going to take some time to sort this out."
"Are you disappointed that your brother turned out to be a homosexual?" I asked.
"Don't put yourself down, Jarv. Why would you even think that of me? Did you really think I would stop loving you because you're gay? I'll admit I'm surprised, but who wouldn't be? You're my brother, for God's sake, you have no choice in being what you are?"
The tears began running down my face. Scott got up and sat next to me on the sofa. He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to him.
"I know this was tough for you, Jarv. I only wish you had confided in me sooner, it might have made it easier on you. You're going to have a tough row to hoe, little brother. I'm still a little shocked to find out you're in love with me. In all honestly, I don't know how to deal with this."
Scott chuckled, "At least you have good taste in men. All kidding aside, you realize you're in a high risk group for AIDS, don't you? It would leave a big hole in my heart if I lost you? I love you, Jarv, but not in the way that you would like."
We sat there not saying a word for some time. I had stopped crying and regained my composure. I kissed Scott on the cheek, "Thanks for being so understanding. I was worried sick about spilling my guts to you. This has been on my mind for a long time. I certainly never wanted to be a homosexual, but that's what I am and I've got to make the best of it. My only regret is not being able to live a normal family life. I've always wanted to have children, now that's not an option. At least there is one Purdey that can carry on with the line, providing you don't shoot blanks." I chuckled, "Wouldn't that be a hoot?"
Scott laughed, "I don't think I appreciate your warped sense of humor. Getting back to your situation for a moment, I want you to promise me that you will always practice safe sex. I don't care what kinds of sex you have, always use a condom and make your partner do the same. If you're into rimming, use plastic wrap. Don't ever let your guard down no matter how much you like the guy? Don't be lulled into a false sense of security just because a negative blood test comes up negative the first time. Your partner could still carry the virus. The virus can remain dormant for years before it shows up in your body."
"I do practice safe sex, Scott. What the heck is rimming? I've never heard of that before?"
Scott smiled, "Are you serious? You're gay and never heard of rimming? It's an arousal technique to stimulate your partner. The vernacular term for it is ass-licking or tonguing."
"That's disgusting, I would never do that," I said.
"To each his own. As a doctor, I would strongly urge that you not engage in that kind of sex, either. Well I don't know about you little brother, but I'm going to hit the sack, I've had a long day."
"Would you prefer that I sleep on the couch tonight, Scott?"
"Why, do you plan to rape me tonight?"
My face turned red, "Come on, it's just that I wouldn't want to mistake you for Justin in the middle of the night, that's all."
"We've slept together before, why should it be any different tonight? I'm not afraid of you, Jarv; anyway it wouldn't be the first time we've had sex together."
Scott woke up at his normal four AM to find me wrapped in his arms. 'That's odd,' he thought, 'why am I on Jarv's side of the bed?' Scott could feel my heart beating and feel the rhythmic sound of my breathing. I smelled fresh and clean. 'It's been a long time since I held you like this, little brother, I feel so sorry for you. We've been through a lot together. God, Jarv, I can't believe you're in love with me. It hurts me to see you so miserable.'
When Scott awoke later, the sunlight was streaming into the room. He could smell the aroma of fresh coffee. He sat up and saw me sitting in the bedroom chair, sipping my coffee and staring at him.
I was smiling at him, "Good morning, handsome. I had forgotten how sexy you look first thing in the morning, with that thick beard and your hair all messed up like that. You're going to have to lose the beard if you expect to sleep with me again, I have sensitive skin."
Scott laughed heartily, "I'll try to remember that. How about pouring me a mug of coffee, please?"
Returning with a cup of coffee, I leaned down and kissed Scott on the forehead. "That's for being a super brother. Now, what's on the agenda for today?"
"I was thinking maybe we could rent a couple of bikes and ride through Central Park? Then, maybe we can drop by Bobbie's for lunch. After lunch, we can play a little tennis at Dad's club, then down to the village for dinner. How does that grab you?"
"Sounds like a plan." I replied.
"I would like to meet Justin one of these days," Scott said. "I want to check him out first before you take him home to meet the folks."
I smiled, "Maybe, but before that happens, I want to be sure about our feelings for each other. We're sleeping together, that's all; Justin is my boyfriend, not my lover."
"One important question?" Scott asked. "Have you been tested for AIDS?"
"Yes, and the tests were negative. Let me set you straight on that score, brother dear. I have not been promiscuous in my sexual liaisons. I'm extremely careful with whom I have sex, and I always use a condom. Further more, I've only had sex with three guys since I've come out, that factors out to be one a year, I don't consider the blow-jobs and hand jobs I engaged in while I was in high school life threatening."
"Are you going to tell the folks?" Scott asked.
"Not until after I graduate from Princeton. I was thinking of making the announcement at your wedding. I'll work it into my toast to the bride and groom at the reception. I'm sure it would blow Margot's mind, and give that pompous father of hers a heart attack right on the spot."
"Yeah, that would be a hoot! While I'm taking my shower, why don't you call Bobbie to find out if she'll feed us lunch?'
When we returned to the apartment after dinner, Scott fixed us an after dinner drink and turned on the stereo.
"Thanks for treating me to dinner," Scott said. "For that matter, thanks for spending the weekend, I've enjoyed your company. When we're together time flies by. We really should try to spend more time together. How about doing this every couple of weeks? I know you're on a tight budget, but we don't have to eat out every night either. There's a lot to see in New York City, and most of it's free. We can use Dad's membership at the athletic club to play tennis. What do you say, Jarv?"
"I don't think Margot would like that."
"That's too bad. Margot doesn't approve of a lot of things that I do."
"I don't want to give her an excuse to drive a wedge between us," I said.
Scott ignored my comment and changed the subject. He talked about some cases he was working on, which I found fascinating. It reminded me of the times Mom would discuss her cases with me.
"I'm beat," I said, "If you don't mind, I'll say goodnight," and I headed for the bathroom.
Scott was wide awake and stayed up to finish a report before hitting the sack. He showered, shaved and slid into bed with me and fell sound asleep.
I woke up at 3:00 A.M. thinking I had a fever. The sheets were damp with perspiration. I quickly discovered the reason when I tried to move. Scott was glued to my back with one arm under my pillow, and the other arm draped over my chest. Scott had pulled the comforter over us when he went to bed. That combined with his warm body next to me caused me to perspire heavily. I could feel Scott's breath on my neck.
I rose up enough to kick the covers off. I felt Scott's naked body pressing against me, his erect penis resting between my legs. Scott must have taken off my shorts as well, because I know I had them on when I turned in. I smiled, kissed Scott's hand and drifted back to sleep.
Scott woke up at six and found that he had pulled me to him again. He thought, 'Yesterday morning was one thing, but, today is another matter. What the hell's wrong with me? This is the second night this has happened. I know I was not sleeping with Margot because she not one for snuggling, and she liked her space.'
Scott had been noticing subtle changes in her attitude since they announced their engagement. He realized I was right about Margot. She was manipulative and he was not happy with the way she turned her affections on and off. He also knew she would give him a hard time if he spent too many weekends with me.
When I awoke later, Scott was still next to me. I pulled the sheet back and was about to untangle myself from Scott, when I felt his grip tighten.
"Please, stay and talk to me?" Scott asked.
"All right, move over and give me a little room." I turned to face Scott. "I'm not Margot, you know?"
Scott chuckled, "So I've noticed, anyway she won't let me hold her like this. You're right, Jarv, maybe it's not a good idea for us to sleep together, it's not fair to you."
"Look, I'm not complaining. It reminds me of when we were kids; it's a nice feeling to lie in your arms."
"You're a very special person, Jarv. Tell me, what kind of sex do you enjoy the most?"
"I like any kind of sex except rough or raunchy sex. I like a warm affectionate partner. In fact the way we are right now works for me. I'm not into role playing either. I think it's nonsense for a guy to say he would never be a bottom, because it's not masculine. That's all so much macho crap. If a guy is physically unable to have anal sex, that's understandable. But being gay does not mean that I'm any less of a man then you. It's absolute nonsense to think otherwise. I expect to have a healthy sexual relationship with my partner and I refuse to become involved in a relationship with a partner that thinks otherwise."
"Does Justin feel the same way?"
"Yes, Justin has been very patient with me. He is a gentle, affectionate guy. After several bad starts, we finally made it happen. It was my fault really. I cared for Justin very much and was determined to make it work, for both our sakes. My shrink helped me to resolve my issues."
"What was the problem?" Scott asked."
"It was a combination of factors that ruined my sex drive. The biggest hang-up was the guilt trip I was laying on myself, because of my feelings for you. Every time I had sex with another man, I felt like I was betraying you. That combined with my strict Catholic upbringing did not make it easy. Once I could separate the two, I was able to have sex with Justin."
"What time do you have to get back to Princeton?"
"I should leave here by two thirty to catch my train." I smiled, "Thanks for shaving." I kissed Scott on the cheek as he got out of bed and headed for the bathroom.
"Anything to keep you happy," he chuckled.
We were finishing breakfast, "More coffee?" Scott asked.
"Yes, thanks," I said. "Would you mind if we sat in the living room and talked for a little?"
"That's fine with me. Why the unhappy face, Jarv?"
"I've been thinking about these last two days. It's been great being with you. It feels like old times again. I would like nothing better than to be with you all the time. Yet, we can never go back to the way it was. It took all my strength to keep my hands off of you this morning. Do you know how much I wanted to make love to you these last two mornings? Every cell in my body was crying out for you. Emotionally it's too exhausting for me to go through that kind of pressure. It's going to take me days to emotionally recover from this weekend. God, why am I complicating my life this way?"
"Jarv, stop! Now take a few deep breaths."
The tears were running down my cheeks. "I'm sorry to dump on you like this. I'm grateful to you for being so understanding. Perhaps, if I was older and wiser I could have handled this better. The bottom line is it's time for me to grow up and accept things as they are, not as I would like them to be. It would be better for both of us if we didn't see each other again for a while, or at least until I get you out of my system. Think about what I've said about Margot. I'm not putting her down because of petty jealousy. I don't really dislike her, you know. On the other hand Bobbie does dislike her. So I'm not the lone voice in the crowd. We love you and want what is best for you, please believe that."
"We can still continue our Sunday telephone chats, but I afraid that has to be it for now. I'm sorry if I put a damper on our last weekend together, but I thought it was important that you knew the truth about me. I will always love you, Scott, until the day I die. You will always be in my heart. No matter what happens in the future, you'll always be my best friend."
"Look Jarv, I know this must be difficult for you, but you're not to blame for what happened the last two nights, that was my fault. You proved to be the stronger one and in complete control of your emotions. I've always admired you for that, among your other many qualities. You were always the smartest one in the family and I always valued your opinions. I plan to give a lot more thought to everything we have talked about this weekend. Jarv, believe me; I didn't try to toy with your affections. It wasn't a conscious effort on my part. Granted, I made no attempt to move away from you this morning. And to be honest, I didn't want to either. You felt comfortable in my arms and if you had given me any encouragement at all, I could have had sex with you, I was that turned on. You've always been a handsome guy, but since you've grown up you've turned into a beautiful person. I know that is a term usually used to describe the female sex, but there is no other term that describes you as accurately. And I'm not alone in that opinion. Surely, you must be aware of the glances you get from other people. Now, what does that say about me? That's one of the things I'm going to talk to my shrink about."
"I love you, Jarv. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose the close relationship we've always shared together. I know this has been difficult for you, but please don't cut me out of your life. Perhaps it's a good idea to let it cool down for now, but I'll feel lost if you cut me out of your life."
"Don't worry," I said. "I won't do that."
"Feel like going to mass this morning, Jarv?"
"I'd like that."
We took a long stroll after church and had brunch at Harry's Bistro. "Well little brother, we better head back to the apartment if you want to catch your train to Princeton."
Scott put his arm around my shoulder as we made our way back to the apartment. I packed my bag and carried it to the door. "Thanks for the wonderful weekend, Scott. I'll call you next Sunday."
Scott walked over and hugged me, "Be good to yourself, Jarv, and please stop worrying. Everything will be fine."
I picked up my bag and left, pulling the door closed behind me.
Scott stared at the door a long time before he walked over and locked the dead bolt. He walked to his desk and pulled out the Bellevue telephone directory. He looked up the number for the Psychology Department and dialed it. Luckily, the Chief Psychologist was on duty. He made an appointment to see him that very afternoon.